Everything hurts so fucking much. My chest aches and my eyelids burn. I’m sick of being sad. I’m sick of being dizzy. I’m sick of not being able to breathe. I’m sick of my thoughts engulfing me in its own darkness. I’m sick of routine. I’m sick of wanting to die. I’m sick of feeling my heart drop to the pit of my stomach. I’m sick of feeling alone. I’m sick of not wanting to be around people. i’m sick of hurting. I’m sick of hurting myself. I’m sick of hurting others. I just want to be happy. I want to be care-free and do whatever the fuck i want. i want to be what you want and need. I don’t want to worry about the future or what other people think. I just want to live my fucking life without drowning in sadness.
I really wasn’t expecting this. at all. To fall for someone as deeply as I’ve fallen for you. You’re my heart, really. God i just want you to see yourself the way i see you. Perfect. Maybe then you’d realize just a slither of your beauty. The way you look at me. The was you say my name. The way you lick your lips. The way your eyes light up when you tell me stories about your day. The way your voice trembles when you’re upset. The way you speak from your heart. The way you let your walls down and be completely open with me. The shape of your eyes. How your hair dwindles down your face when you adjust your hats. Your hands. Your honesty. Your sense of humor. How sexy you are. How you’re yourself. How strong you are. Everything. Words cannot possibly describe the effect you have on me. I feel as if i’ve known you forever and in other lifetimes. I feel so connected to you. In every aspect. You’ve been hurt in the past. If there was any way for me to gather up the pain that’s cleaved your heart, and make it all go away forever, I would. In a heartbeat. All i want to do is make you happy. See that cute smile of yours spread across your face. I want to pull you into me and hold you in my arms. I just want to sit and talk with you. about everything. I really believe in my heart, we’re going to make it. You’re different. In the best ways possible. I love our relationship. Our play-fights. Our serious conversations. How we make time for each other. Our promises. How we grow with one another. We balance each other out like we were made for each other. I know no relationship is flawless, and this isn’t going to be easy one bit, but I don’t care. I just want you and only you. That comes with bickering and hard times. Times when we’re both cranky and may say things we don’t mean. But I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this work because you are worth it. And I want every piece of you. Every scar. Every crooked line. Every wispy eyelash. Every hair. Every freckle. I want you on your good days. I want you on your bad days. I want you today. I want you tomorrow. I want you forever. Nothing or no one could ever change the way I feel about you, and i truly mean that. I want you to know that I fall for you more and more everyday. And I want you to know that I am so in love with you.
and my mind is flooded with thoughts. Good thoughts. These past few days have been roughly eyeopening. But y’know what, sometimes we all need a little hit on the head. My mind is clearing and i’m really really really focusing on what i want, what i need, what i want to give, what i want to do in this life. The point of this is, no matter how cliche it is, or whatever: love yourself. Do what the fuck make you happy. Do it for you, no one else. But also, give to others, be grateful and appreciative for everything you have. Know that you are enough. Seriously, fuck what other people think. Everyone is different, we all have different purposes. We all fuck up, sometimes. Your mistakes do not define you. You are so much more! Don’t beat yourself up over every little “mistake” you make. sometimes, those mistakes lead us to where we’re supposed to be. You are limitless, you can do and become anything you set your mind to. So, please stop hating yourself or not thinking you’re good enough because you are. This life is mine. This life is yours. This life is ours.
I am getting my life together. I am so fucking lost, back and forth, up and down, all the time. i don’t even know where to start. I just feel blank, sometimes. I feel trapped. I want to speak up for myself and put myself out there and stop being so quiet all the time and do what i want to do. I want to stop living in the past. I get spurts of vibrant, positive energy, but if something not so great happens, i crumble. i think the best thing to do is destroy. to destroy is to create. and once i am destroyed, i am able to start over completely. a blank slate. It’s the only way to grow and evolve into what i am/supposed to be. For the next few days, i’m going to be: thinking quite a bit, praying, meditating, writing, and getting myself together. i am strong, my life has been no stroll in the park, but who’s life is? I am going to start focusing on others. on how i can help people, support and appreciate everyone around me who i love, but don’t “recognize”. Another thing, express myself. i have so much pent creativity, emotion, and talent seeping through my skin just waiting to be unleashed. I’ve wasted way too much time worrying about what others think of me, building up insecurity and disappointment. I am going to be a better person. make my mark in the world and not give a damn what anyone thinks. When i look at people, i’m going to look within their soul, not their outer appearance/reputation/ect. I want to give whatever i can to people who need help. I am going to dig deep inside the depths of my spirit and get to really know myself. My grades/mistakes/past/scars/goals/accomplishments/possessions/debt/ect. do not define me. not even a little bit. My life purpose, my passion, my soul is what i am. I/ no one else “needs” objects, money, or other people to make us happy. We need to do what we love, lend out a helping hand to our brothers and sisters, and live in the present and make every moment an amazing one. We are all here to experience, grow, evolve, destroy, create, and fucking enjoy life. So fucking do it. The world opens up when you do. You are so beautiful. You are unlimited. Take this life and set out what you were made to do and love yourself because I think you’re perfect.
I want to be a better version of myself, for myself. I want to give: knowledge, love, strength, courage, and power to those who need it. Everything that i am able to give, i want to give and help heal others. I am going to change the world, for the better. There are so many things that i intend on changing, discovering, inventing, and so much more. I am done clinging onto fears and insecurity. The only thing stopping us from doing what we want to do, is ourselves. Our thoughts mold our lives. There is so much out there that is just waiting to be unveiled. And i am ready to embark on that journey.
Christmas was nothing less than spectacular. I am so extremely blessed with my family and friends. I couldn’t be an luckier. Today has opened my eyes to just how grateful i should be. Life is beautiful. Life is pain. Life is waking up with a blank slate everyday. Life is perfectly imperfect.
My family. Myself. Pugs. Hellokitty. Fashion. Tim Burton films. Sour patch kids. Pandora. Anything studded. Nailpolish. Sex appeal. Zombies. Harry Potter. Midol. Meditation. Fall. Georgia. Traveling. Skype. America’s next top model. Writing. Barnes n Noble. Lipstick. Chanel. Europe. Thunderstorms. Pretending to be a stripper in the shower. Polaroid cameras. Canon. Starbucks. Painting. Baking. Pencils. Skins Uk. Braces. Freckles. Vintage stores. Swimming. Leather. 80’s movies. Halloween. Candles. Bubble baths. TUMBLR. Blushing. The fifties. Butterflies in my tummy. Long walks. Bonfires. Fruit. Organization. Messy hair. Knee high socks. Spearmint gum. Journals. Doodling. Memories. Being positive. Cupcakes. Change. Dimples. Seventeen/Cosmo/Vogue/Teen Vogue. God. Amusement parks. Glitter. The Olsen Twins. 90’s music. Mexican food. Clevage. Dancing. Art muesuems.The ocean. Love. Full moons. Aquariums. Learning. Nature. Living.